eleven ➢ private + spam

[patheticvillain]

private/video | chris

[Cassel is looking just - crazy excited right now. For him, anyway; he's grinning wide, one of his legs jogging as he speaks.]

Hey, Skywalker. [Guess who got out early. And guess who's caught up with what you've been doing.]

Point one, hi, but I said that. Point two, you totally are a weapon of mass destruction, I don't know why you never used that line on me before. Point three, I have a billion things to tell you, starting with - Star Wars?

spam 1 {mid-afternoon 5/13; deck}

[The first thing Cassel does when he gets out of Zero - besides calling Chris, which always comes first - is he takes Patches up on deck. It's kind of stupid, but he's missed this dog like crazy, and he's more than happy to spend an hour or two in the fresh air throwing a ball for him.]

[For those who know him, he looks weirdly content, like a weight's been lifted; for those who don't, he looks a hell of a lot more like a normal kid than he's ever looked before.]

spam 2 {mid-afternoon thru evening 5/13; gym}

[When Kon suggested he start working in the gym for real, it had seemed like a weird idea at first, but the more he thinks about it the more it seems like - maybe it wouldn't be so bad. So he says he'll try it out, at least, and if he's going to try he's going to start right away. No point waiting.]

[He's still learning the ropes beyond just cleaning tonight, but he's around, keeping things as organized as he can on Kon's direction.]

private/video | doyle

[The camera's on to prove a point: that he's genuine about this, because he is, extremely. Discomfort shows on his face, because he's not used to apologizing, and he can't look at the camera for more than a couple seconds at a time, but he goes for it anyway.]

Hi. Um.

I'd like to talk to you, if that's cool. Here or in person. Or I can just text if you'd rather do that, I - you know. Whatever you want.

private/voice | steph

Do you still wanna skip the apology? Because I have one. Up to you.

private/voice, later | zane

[It's tempting to yell at Zane, or to ask if he's okay, or to say nothing at all, or to go find him in person now that he can. None of these sound particularly right, though, especially after everything he's stalked read over the last hour or so, so he reverts to sarcasm. Decently affectionate sarcasm, but sarcasm nonetheless.]

You're such an idiot. I feel like you should win a prize for being as much of an idiot as you are.

private/text | barron

pizza?

Comments

spam

[godsays]

Your brother is here.

spam

[patheticvillain]

Yeah, he's here.

[His fingers twist, agitated.]

spam

[godsays]

Why didn't he get involved when I hurt you?

spam

[patheticvillain]

[A tight shrug. He'd like to know the answer to this question, too.]

spam

[godsays]

The only reason my father wouldn't have interfered is - he's afraid of me.

[ This might be the first time he has said this out loud. ]

spam

[patheticvillain]

Because you're more powerful than he is.

Barron's not afraid of me.

[Even though Cassel is more powerful than he is. Barron is cleverer, more ruthless, crueler. One of the reasons Cassel's so afraid to change: because Barron will take advantage. It's not an if, it's a when.]

[He is afraid of Barron.]

spam

[godsays]

You don't keep a weapon by ignoring it. Even knives need sharpening. Repair.

[ He is angry, that Cassel did not even have that level of consideration. ]

spam

[patheticvillain]

Maybe I'm too broken to repair.

spam

[godsays]

If you were, from his point of view, what would that mean?

[ That Cassel can't be used as a weapon anymore. That he can't be controlled. ]

spam

[patheticvillain]

It would mean . . .

He should want me dead. But I can't die permanently, here. So maybe he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

[This hurts. He doesn't know why but it does, and he buries his face in Zane's shoulder with a huff.]

spam

[godsays]

[ He leans his cheek, just slightly, against Cassel's head. ]

It means you're free.

[ He says this softly. ]

spam

[patheticvillain]

[Free.]

[He presses his eyes shut and shakes his head slightly. It's not a no, it's just confusion. He doesn't think he can afford to believe it.]

spam

[godsays]

[ Zane thinks this isn't the sort of thing that happens in a sudden realization. It comes from someone planting a seed, and from that seed being nursed, slowly, over time. Maybe he's the first to say it. Maybe not. Either way, there's not much point in arguing it now. Pushing means being pushed back. ]

Do you love him?

spam

[patheticvillain]

I love Barron. He's my brother.

[And it's true, but it's also a very hollow and meaningless sort of statement. He loves Barron, but there are dangerous, jagged edges to that love.]

[Emotion work fades away, but the effects stay. His mother's bare hands on his cheek, neck, shoulders: they took his love for Barron and turned up the pitch. They took his envy, too, and made that love, and his hatred, too. He loves Barron not only because he does but because he has no choice but to.]

spam

[godsays]

I love my father too.

[ Definitely the first time he's ever said that. ]

But, I think that fear is all he feels. For me. [ Maybe awe, maybe some appreciation. Mostly fear, and suspicion, and an iron-fisted need to control.

And saying this feels so unspeakably disappointing, so terrible, that it's as a weight settling on his chest. ]

spam

[patheticvillain]

[He turns his face up, stares at the opposite wall. He does feel as though he's being given secrets. He doesn't know what to do with them, though.]

That sucks.

[Kon knows this. Chris doesn't. It's in his file, and he's never talked about it. But he suddenly needs to tell Zane. Not anybody, just him.]

When they were using me, Barron worked me to forget. But it's the same, the push and pull, for him as for me, so when he works he forgets things, too. He keeps notebooks to remember everything, and I - rewrote them. For a different reason, but.

When I did, I wrote in that we'd get pizza once a week.

It was stupid.

spam

[godsays]

[ Cassel wanted Barron to love him. Wanted even the scraps of it. He knew there was something that he needed that he wasn't getting, which was the way Zane knew, when he found Vin. ]

Did you? Once a week.

spam

[patheticvillain]

Yep. Until he found out what I did.

spam

[godsays]

And then?

[ He has his suspicions. ]

spam

[patheticvillain]

He was going to sell me out to the FBI. [He pauses.] The cops. More people who would have used me. He was going to tell them what I could do if I didn't work with him, keep killing people.

spam

[godsays]

Too worried about his own power over you.

[ Zane's voice is dismissive, though this, in fact, is the source of many of Zane's own worries. Power.

He hesitates. ]

What's 'pizza'?

spam

[patheticvillain]

Maybe.

[He never thought about it like that.]

Pizza's food. It's like flat bread with tomato sauce and cheese on it. And other stuff sometimes.

They have it in the dining hall all the time. It's good.

spam

[godsays]

Oh, that.

[ He recognizes the description at least. ]

That means he was afraid of you. You knew more than him. He couldn't trust his mind.

spam

[patheticvillain]

No, he can't. And the more he works the less he can trust it. My body bounces back, his won't.

I don't want him to be afraid of me, though.

spam

[godsays]

There are worse ways he could feel.