thirty-six ➢ video

[patheticvillain]

Okay, everybody, I realize we're all busy, busy people with busy, busy prison lives, but there's something important that needs addressing, and that is: I need my beauty sleep.

Which means I can't keep working double shifts in the gym.

Which means one or two of you assholes should come help me out.

Bored inmates get priority over bored wardens, prerequisites include being able to Windex stuff, and if you try to stab me in the back I'll turn you into a fish.

Comments

[notsoneedy]

Still the winner and champion.

[She switches tones slightly, though, more thoughtful.]

So, you were here first as an inmate, then? And you decided to stay?

[patheticvillain]

Yep. Is the next question gonna be why?

[notsoneedy]

I don't know. Should it be? [She's frowning, but it's not an angry frown.]

[patheticvillain]

It can be if you want. People've asked me before. It doesn't scare me anymore.

[It doesn't scare him to admit that he's been scared, either. But she seems confused, like having to choose is putting too much pressure on her. He wonders if he should just make the decision for her, just tell her.]

[Instead he grins and cocks his head, waiting to see what she'll decide.]

[notsoneedy]

[She can tell that he's waiting for her. That it...sort of seems to be a challenge.]

Okay...why? Why did you decide to stay? Or come back, or whatever. However you wanted to put it.

[patheticvillain]

[He is satisfied with her choice, and tries to answer as completely as he can - within limits. She deserves it.]

Stay. I'd say stay. Because I never went back, not even to say goodbye. I just stayed here.

The reason is because this is the first place I ever felt like I could be a real person. Everybody here's so fucked up I barely even register. It's kind of a nice change from back home, where I'm kind of illegal just for existing.

That and because I made family here. But that's kind of trite, I guess. I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me, back when I was as new as you are.

[notsoneedy]

It is pretty hard to believe.

[She sounds wry, though, not angry or disbelieving.]

[patheticvillain]

Do you believe the part about feeling real here? Or do you think I'm crazy?

[notsoneedy]

I believe that...things are really different here. That people are different. I've seen that for myself.

I already know I feel less crazy here than I did back in my own world. People believe in more things.

[patheticvillain]

I mean, people'll still call you crazy here. But usually they don't mean it, or they're not used to this place yet. There are people here who're from worlds without any magic at all, where people are just people.

Then there's people like me, who come from somewhere that magic's just a thing everybody knows about. Either way, in the end, we don't have to hide or lie. It took me forever to get that.

[notsoneedy]

I'm glad that I don't have to lie. I wasn't doing that anyway; I just got really sick of nobody believing me.

[patheticvillain]

Yeah, well, people who don't believe you here are dickbags or used to being lied to. Or both.

[He may or may not be referring to a past version of himself. The world may never know.]

[notsoneedy]

There are...kind of a lot of dickbags? I mean I've definitely noticed that.

[patheticvillain]

The dickbag-to-nice-guy ratio is highly skewed, this is a scientific Barge fact.

[notsoneedy]

Guess that's what happens when you have such a highly selective recruiting process.

[patheticvillain]

Um, are you saying that the Admiral throwing darts at a board shaped like the universe and just going wherever the dart hits isn't highly selective? Is that what I'm getting here?

[notsoneedy]

Not unless he's one of those crazy skilled superfreaks you see on the internet that can hit any small target perfectly every time.

And you know what, no. Even then.

[patheticvillain]

Yeah, I think he crashes too often for anyone to ever apply the word perfect to him.

[notsoneedy]

No way. Not after all the shit I'm already hearing.

So are you getting any takers so far? Or sorry, 'volunteers'.

[patheticvillain]

Um, one who . . . says she's not into killing me, so I'm gonna take her word on that. Maybe two, but the other one doesn't know how to use Windex.

Why, you wanna help out?

[notsoneedy]

I dunno, I think I should settle in a bit more, before I start volunteering for hands-on shit. But if you're still understaffed later, ask me again, I guess.

Also who the fuck doesn't know how to use Windex?

[patheticvillain]

Cool. I totally will.

I don't know, people from the Middle Ages? They just had plagues back then.

[notsoneedy]

I don't think they were literally wiping stuff down with plague as opposed to cleaning it.

[patheticvillain]

Seriously? I should have actually paid attention in history.

[notsoneedy]

Yeah, maybe that would have helped. [She's laughing though.]