forty-two ➢ video + private + spam

[patheticvillain]

Whoever brings me ibuprofen and weed first gets to be my best friend for the next week.

What'd I miss? Needy, where the fuck are you? Where's my cat?

private } daneca

Was there a flood? I heard there was a flood. Did it get you?

spam } open

[The first thing Cassel does - after a really solid lunch and a long shower - is get down to the gym. He doesn't know what's happened to Mindy, but it seems like he's on his own here for a little while. So he meanders through the gym equipment, cleaning, re-organizing, and very obviously brooding.]

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Spam

[patheticvillain]

Usually.

[Things that are not helping him in this moment: thinking about Bianca. Okay. Deep breaths.]

Does it matter if it's my fault? Like, really. That's a serious question. I've been there, okay? When I was an inmate, my warden took some time off. And I wasn't mad about it, you know, I knew he needed to, but there's still this fear that they'll change their mind or something will happen and you'll be alone. Again.

Coma's the same way. You know it's not their fault, but what if something just happens and they never come back to you? She doesn't deserve that shit, nobody does. Not even the worst, ugliest people in the world.

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[voluntaryapnea]

[Sorry, Cassel. It's sort of currently on his mind, considering. He falls silent when the other man talks, listens intently to what he's saying. He hasn't been an inmate. But he can kind of relate to that fear of being left alone, even if it's an irrational fear on his part. A lot of fear is irrational.]

No. You're right. But that's sorta the whole thing about life. You don't always have control of what happens. To you, to people you care about. [He looks away.] Sometimes bad things just happen and all you can do is try to pick up the pieces when it's all said and done. And...you can dwell on it and feel bad as much as you want and it's not gonna change anything. Or you can focus on what you can control. On reassuring Needy that you won't choose to leave her for good. That even if you leave for a little while because of stuff back home, or because you drop into a coma...you're going to come back if there's any way you can.

Spam

[patheticvillain]

[He listens, to his credit. The whole time refutations are roiling in the back of his mind, violent arguments. He wants to pick a fight with somebody, he realizes; he wants to argue. But not with Stiles. Stiles isn't the problem here, or even a substitute for the problem.]

I guess that's one thing I still haven't learned. [A smile that's a little more like a smirk, a little meaner and more self-defensive than strictly necessary.] Not having control. Just dealing with that.

[That and not just dwelling on his own misery. He got that lesson mostly down, but there are days - well. This is starting to look like one of them.]

[He blows his bangs out of his face and looks up at the fluorescent lights on the ceiling.]

Maybe I should just go back and start over.

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[voluntaryapnea]

[He nods, and looks down at his hands at Cassel's admission. He can definitely relate. He wishes he didn't.]

Start over how? [He glances at him sideways, curious.]