patheticvillain | forty-five ➢ video

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forty-five ➢ video

So, I know she talked to some of you about this already. But I thought I'd make sure everybody knew, so nobody worries-- I--

Needy graduated. She didn't go home, yet, probably because her home's total bullshit [and he's pretty sure she's still wanted there??]. Sunny, haunted Beacon Hills, California was the destination of choice, for those of you who really need to know.

Anybody who wanted to say goodbye and didn't get a chance to, um, I can probably get a message to her. And by "I can get a message to her" I mean "I can have Iris get a message to her".

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Yeah.

[And then he almost hangs up. Almost. Instead, he decides to put his foot in his mouth.]

I miss her, too, you know.

Even though you get your deal now?

[It's harsh, maybe, but not with intent. It just slips out.]

The deal doesn't make her still be here, man. She's still gone.

Yeah. Sorry, I just-- [He shakes his head, trailing off. Everything hurts and keeps on hurting and he's not sure if he wants to hurt people back or ask for a way to make it stop. He just.]

[There's some kind of nasty echo of pain there in the back of Andrew's eyes. Cassel feels it right behind his ribs, like a punch to the heart. Knowing pain and not knowing how to speak pain, that's just about the worst thing there is.]

[His expression loses its careful opacity. He's not soft, never soft, but he looks real now, at least, like Pinocchio finally got skin.]

What's going on in that head of yours?

Nothing.

[It's a knee-jerk dismissal, of course. A reflex. But there's something in the way Cassel's looking at him, something in his face, that keeps Andrew from just cutting the feed right there.]

People keep telling me... People-- [He stop-starts, like he's gearing himself up, trying to find words.] They keep telling me to get close to people and make friends and open up and stuff like that's how-- how-- [How he's going to graduate, make himself better, save himself. Whatever.]

Except then everyone leaves. So what's the point? I don't get what the fucking point is.

[He takes the dismissal like another hit. It doesn't hurt him, it doesn't surprise him. It's par for the course. It's a shield. He knows about shields.]

[He knows exactly what Andrew's saying. He asked himself all this shit once upon a time - what's the point, where's it gonna get me, how do I keep doing this, how do I open myself up just to keep getting shut down again? The issue is he doesn't have a good answer to any of those questions, even now. He just hung on, for Zane and for Chris and for Anya and Cass.]

[God, it hurt so much.]

The point is feeling it, I guess. The good and the bad shit. But I admit that sounds like total crap. It sounds like the kind of thing that wardens say to get inmates to shut up and deal with hurting all by themselves, and I always hated being told that.

Are you gonna hate me if I say I still don't know? I mean, I feel it - that it's important. But I couldn't say why, not out loud, not in words.

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forty-five ➢ video

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