patheticvillain | nine ➢ filter + private

video | 1 friendly conversation filter, sans chris + cass

[Cassel chooses the video option deliberately, as well as the angle: dead on his face with a view of his shoulders and the top half of his torso. His face and posture bleed honesty tinged with regret - a little confusion, too. The confusion's the only part of this that's true, and his anger, frustration, resentment are well-hidden. That's why he's excluded Cass, because she could call him on this in an instant. Chris is out because he doesn't lie to Chris. Everyone else is fair game.]

[He takes a half-breath before he starts, looking at the camera, off to the side - guilt, shame.]

I shouldn't have done that. [Lie.] If I worried you, I'm sorry. [Half-truth, and a self-deprecating smile.] I'm not great at, uh, planning, I guess.

I know there's no way I can make up for worrying everyone, but if it's any consolation I feel like a total ass. Lesson learned, scout's honor, not happening again. [Smile evolved into smirk! Still self-deprecating, though.] I'm also considering putting up a suggestion box. "Shit Cassel should never do" for Barge input.

[And then he gets quiet, tilts his head a little sadly at the camera. Sincere regret, only not.] Seriously. Don't worry about me. And don't take it out on him.

private/video | zane

[Mask down: Cassel is pissed. Royally. About as angry as most people have probably ever seen him. Definitely angry enough to blatantly ignore the previous lie he told, that he didn't trust Zane - he does, and they're clearly the only two people here who have any clue what happened.]

[Again: video, same frame, but Cassel's not looking at the camera; too busy fuming.]

People get in your personal business here. [It looks like that's all he's going to say on that subject, but then a half-shrug:] Are you out of Zero yet?

[The rest is sent as text, more information than he has ever in his life given one person at once, but he's been watching. Zane understands him, he thinks, at least in part, certainly better than most other people do, and he's been inconvenienced by idiots like Rorschach with no intention of even attempting understanding. It's owed. That, and he needs it known, comprehensively, by somebody who understands what it's like to be manipulated.]

I think you like to know things, so here's some info. You chew screws, I wear gloves, because back home everybody wears gloves. It's how we stay safe. Work comes from hands and work can kill you or ruin your life. It can make you forget. That's why if you ever touch me [by which he means bare skin, the punching was fine really] with bare hands again I'll bite your fingers off. Nothing personal, that's just how it is.

Watch out for Barron Sharpe and Touko Fukawa.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Besides those?

I can use zinc and brass. [ He names the alloy percentage of brass. ] And duralumin, at 96% aluminum, 4% copper.

The quantities I need aren't high. Pewter burns fast. The others burn slower.

[ A beat. ]

Cassel? When you use something as a tool, just with one function, you forget how valuable it can be.

You're not a tool. I don't want this to be using you.

[His breath catches.]

[This is not - ]

[He remembers Barron, telling him it didn't count if he didn't remember, that it didn't matter if he used him as long as he took the memories away. He remembers being angry, so angry, he's still so angry. At people who underestimate him, who call him a child, who don't understand and get frustrated when he can't say what he means because he's never had experience telling the truth.]

[All he's supposed to want is to go home and find Lila, because with Lila he's valuable, he needs her and she needs him, they fight and hurt each other until they both feel real and present and can fool themselves into thinking that they're not as damaged as they know deep down they are. But here, people keep telling him that he's valuable, that he's useful, that he doesn't have to fight or hurt himself to stay alive. People keep giving him trust when he knows he doesn't deserve it, he's not nearly a good enough person to.]

[Zane has seen him at his darkest, has been offered a valuable service, so that he wouldn't leave. And now - he doesn't need it. Because Cassel is valuable. Because he's not a tool.]

[Old pain and new confusion war on his face; he bites down violently on his healing lip and cuts the video because he knows his poker face is failing him. A second later he turns on audio. His voice is shaky, but it's better than text because that just makes him seem even more vulnerable.]

I want to help you. You helped me. [This is new, too. A new feeling. Wanting to help.]

Edited 2013-05-01 02:57 (UTC)

[ Voice. Perhaps that's better.

Zane knows: these are the keys to the hearts of people like them. It's a funny feeling, knowing that every time Cassel gives him another key, he gets another from Zane. They're getting tied together.

The safe response to that is to break away, when it starts. But Zane hasn't lived a safe life, and he doesn't want one now. ]

You already helped me.

[ There's something more that Zane knows about himself now: the voice is gone, but what it was that made him murderous remains. He's still insane. Even if he wasn't initially, something made him that way.

He's grateful for being able to expend that and stay in control. ]

I want to help you more.

[Now he's vicious, not feeling pushed away but terrified that he's going to ruin this and whatever's happening with Chris, too, while he's at it. He automatically reacts like he's cornered, like a caged animal - and that functions to cover up the fact that not only are his words needy, but empathetic.]

[Empathy is weakness.]

[He takes another breath, trying to steady his voice.]

If I can get them from Kon, I will. If not, I - can get the pewter. No matter what. Tomorrow. And I'll try to get everything else.

[All at once, because it's driving him crazy and maybe Zane will understand why without having to be told:] I told, I promised Chris I wouldn't use it if I didn't need to, because it hurts me and it's bad to cause yourself pain just to be useful.

[ Chris said that? This surprises Zane, somehow. ]

People like us always end up being used.

[ Like us. The first time he's said that and not meant another Mistborn. But if Cassel's power is what it seems... and he can understand what it is Cassel does. Why he does it. ]

If you get them, I'll show you how I use them. All of them.

Not by him.

[If it's possible to be tentatively firm, Cassel is. He's still getting used to trusting someone implicitly, especially someone who hasn't lost what he's lost, but he has to believe this.]

[He pauses to consider the wording, though - like us - feeling a sense of belonging that's not radically different from what he's always wanted, but at the same time fits better, like a puzzle piece clicking into place. What if he belongs, not with criminals, but with outcasts, freaks, tools? Is that right?]

People like us - shouldn't be. Ever.

[Anger flares, but he latches on to the promise of knowledge, information. It's a trade and he knows it, but at the same time it doesn't have to be. Cassel offered for nothing. Zane's giving him something.]

I can do it.

We shouldn't.

[ He agrees, affirms. This understanding goes deeper than he thought, and he thinks that in time it will go deeper still. ]

Thank you.

And - [ He adds this, another free offering, another thing he shouldn't be giving. ] If Chris comes after me, I'll do my best not to hurt him. [ Out of respect for Cassel. So long as Chris isn't using him. ]

Thank you.

[Not "you're welcome". Thanks go both ways. Especially for the second part - Zane doesn't have to do that. It is respect, which is new and odd, but also nice.]

I told him what happened, that it wasn't your fault. I think it's okay. But - really. Thanks.

[On the other end of the line, he's smiling lightly, not even entirely aware of it. Pleased. Feeling, for a moment, very understood, as close to normal as he can be.]

Try not to puke up a kidney, okay?

[ Zane's spirits feel lighter too. A part of himself won't stop being suspicious - after all, sparring with Vin in the skies above Luthadel had left him feeling like this. And that ended the way it ended.

Maybe this time it will be better. ]

Why? I only need one kidney.

[ Deadpan, no hint of joke in his tone. ]

[He laughs, surprised. Not something he expected . . . ever, really.]

Because if you do I'll sell it. And that'd just be gross.

Sell it to someone you want poisoned?

Of course. [Duh.]

[ A noise that might be amused.

And then he hangs up. ]

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