patheticvillain | eleven ➢ private + spam

Entry tags:

eleven ➢ private + spam

private/video | chris

[Cassel is looking just - crazy excited right now. For him, anyway; he's grinning wide, one of his legs jogging as he speaks.]

Hey, Skywalker. [Guess who got out early. And guess who's caught up with what you've been doing.]

Point one, hi, but I said that. Point two, you totally are a weapon of mass destruction, I don't know why you never used that line on me before. Point three, I have a billion things to tell you, starting with - Star Wars?

spam 1 {mid-afternoon 5/13; deck}

[The first thing Cassel does when he gets out of Zero - besides calling Chris, which always comes first - is he takes Patches up on deck. It's kind of stupid, but he's missed this dog like crazy, and he's more than happy to spend an hour or two in the fresh air throwing a ball for him.]

[For those who know him, he looks weirdly content, like a weight's been lifted; for those who don't, he looks a hell of a lot more like a normal kid than he's ever looked before.]

spam 2 {mid-afternoon thru evening 5/13; gym}

[When Kon suggested he start working in the gym for real, it had seemed like a weird idea at first, but the more he thinks about it the more it seems like - maybe it wouldn't be so bad. So he says he'll try it out, at least, and if he's going to try he's going to start right away. No point waiting.]

[He's still learning the ropes beyond just cleaning tonight, but he's around, keeping things as organized as he can on Kon's direction.]

private/video | doyle

[The camera's on to prove a point: that he's genuine about this, because he is, extremely. Discomfort shows on his face, because he's not used to apologizing, and he can't look at the camera for more than a couple seconds at a time, but he goes for it anyway.]

Hi. Um.

I'd like to talk to you, if that's cool. Here or in person. Or I can just text if you'd rather do that, I - you know. Whatever you want.

private/voice | steph

Do you still wanna skip the apology? Because I have one. Up to you.

private/voice, later | zane

[It's tempting to yell at Zane, or to ask if he's okay, or to say nothing at all, or to go find him in person now that he can. None of these sound particularly right, though, especially after everything he's ~~stalked~~ read over the last hour or so, so he reverts to sarcasm. Decently affectionate sarcasm, but sarcasm nonetheless.]

You're such an idiot. I feel like you should win a prize for being as much of an idiot as you are.

private/text | barron

pizza?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ A nod.

He isn't sure why it is working, but it is. He's calming more with every breath.

In a way, it doesn't matter; Zane doesn't know why certain metals have certain effects. Cassel's presence is like a metal. A volatile one, one that never works quite the same way twice because Zane never pushes quite the same way twice, and alloy that changes every time. He can use that without knowing why it works. ]

I'm sorry.

For making you trust me.

[This, he doesn't have any question about. This is the right thing. Like apologizing was the right thing. Like hurting Doyle was the wrong thing: it's clear as a bell. Just because he doesn't know why doesn't mean it's not right.]

[He shakes his head without lifting it.]

It would've happened anyway. But thanks.

[It's what Zane's used to, manipulating people. It's what Cassel's used to, too. So he's more likely to forgive him, even though forgiveness is also not something he has practice in.]

I made someone trust me. Before here. I thought that if I could push her hard enough, she would realize she was being used. She didn't. She killed me instead, for manipulating her, for... twisting her.

I do. I do deserve to be dead.

And what good is there to look forward to? Something - it broke my mind. That's not something that heals. It's not something that you can put back together. Maybe I'll never stop being unstable.

[ Zane feels as though he's at a dead end. Choking with it, with the cul-de-sac closing in on all sides. ]

[He listens until Zane's done. No point in interrupting. Definitely no point in judging. Maybe somebody would make the argument that one or the other of them's the bigger asshole, but really, Zane's just had more time. And how do you measure that, anyway?]

[He wonders briefly what it means to mold someone into the image of what you want them to be - then discards the thought. Too uncomfortable.]

You told me about her, a little. [A pause.] I've done it, I think. That's not why I died, but - maybe it would have been?

And - maybe you won't, but maybe you will. It feels easier to think you won't, I know that, it's easier to just hurt and let the hurt be everything, but -

[His gloved hand rests at Zane's elbow, a steady weight.]

Maybe we were bad people, maybe we were tools, but maybe we can be more.

I forget about this.

[ And his fingertips rest on the flat end of the spike. ]

How do you forget about something like that? How can I even have a heartbeat?

I don't know.

[There's a lot he doesn't know. He hates it.]

But there are people here who can figure it out.

I don't want them to touch me.

I know.

But I am and I'm not going to hurt you, so. Maybe they won't either.

I don't have answers. I just - have what I have.

It's not answers I want. It's something I've never had.

[ A beat, as he tries to fit it into words. ]

Faith, maybe.

Oh. Yeah, I don't have that yet.

[No, wait. That's not right, is it?]

Or else I do, but it's - kind of small and gross and mutated. But it's better than what I had before. Before I got here, I mean.

[ He's already shaking his head, when Cassel starts to speak. ]

You have it. You just don't know it yet.

[He grins a little.]

How do you know?

Chris.

[ That's all the explanation he has. ]

[Is that faith?]

[Cassel considers it for a moment. If it is, it's faith and something else that, in his experience, doesn't go hand in hand with faith. So, that's weird.]

He looked out for you, while I was in Zero. I didn't ask him to do that.

[Like he's trying to figure something out, here. Then he shakes his head again.]

If I don't know I have it, how do you know you don't?

I'm older than you.

[ It's a joke, even though it's delivered completely seriously. ]

[He sees you there, Zane.]

Don't be an asshole.

[ A breath. He responds somewhat reluctantly. ]

Because you trusted me with Pushing your emotions, and if you'd come close to doing that to me I would have ripped your throat out.

[He considers this.]

Okay.

But you gave me something, when you did that. You didn't have to. I mean, you didn't have to be kind to get what you wanted.

Can you tell me, honestly, that it didn't get me what I wanted faster than any other way?

[ Which isn't really an answer. ]

No. But you took a huge chance. I was about to leave. I don't trust kind people.

You'd make an exception for me.

[ Which wasn't something he'd been at all sure of, then, but he knows it now. ]

You didn't know that. Don't act like you did. You took a really big chance. That's not how the game's played. It was a stupid risk with the odds against you, but you took it anyway.

I'm just saying.

It's a different game here.

[ But he doesn't argue, not really. ]

I know now.

Yeah. And neither of us know the rules.

[He straightens slightly, tilts his chin up curiously.]

You do.

You got gloves for me.

I already had gloves. Here. For riding.