thirteen ➢ private + voice

[patheticvillain]

private | kon

I have a question about what Charles did to you. [A beat.] I mean. For you.

public | voice

[He shouldn't be making this post, probably, no matter how curious he is. He's been weird about his mother lately, and if she starts talking to him he's not sure what he'll do.]

[So he compromises: voice, which is a tell in itself, when he could be using video (he's hiding), but to his credit it doesn't shake, and he doesn't sound afraid. Maybe Sam's out there, or Daneca.]

The Admiral's fucking with us again, I note. If anybody wants to catch me up on the news from Jersey, it's not like I'm doing anything. Otherwise I'll just watch everyone else be super uncomfortable.

private | text to zane + chris | later

today was complete bullshit and fuck this boat i have snacks and my door's open

the rules are no talking and whoever brings booze gets the most pillows

Comments

[bittersweeter]

Why not?

[patheticvillain]

It's complicated, and you won't believe me anyway. So don't worry about it.

[bittersweeter]

You... You are the biggest asshole I have ever met. Do you recognize that? I'm a sociopath and even I can see that you're a complete shit head.

Why am I the bad guy in your life story, Cassel? Why?

[patheticvillain]

You're not. You never have been. It's always been me. And I liked that.

[bittersweeter]

And now you're the hero and, what, were not good enough for you anymore?

[patheticvillain]

[He just laughs.]

Hero? Are you serious? Have you met me? I'm a piece of shit.

[bittersweeter]

Yeah, I might have noticed.

[gdi why can't she just stay pissed off at you, it's so much easier to just hate him and be done with it but its never just hate with them.]

Didn't answer the main point of the question though.

[patheticvillain]

It's the opposite. And - I'm tired of being used. If I go back, I will be.

[bittersweeter]

[That shuts her up, but only because she knows he won't believe her if she said she wouldn't. Even if it were true. Because she's not stupid, he was right, that is all anyone ever did to him, she was well aware. Her dad did it, her cousin did it, the FBI did it, whatever that stupid acronym was. He was a shiny toy, everyone wanted him.]

Well.

[What are words.] Good luck, I guess. Don't die again.

[patheticvillain]

I won't. I mean, I'll try not to.

There's one other thing that - you should know.

[And he switches to video for this, because it's important and he has the strangest sense that he owes her, though he can't explain exactly why. He doesn't avert his eyes from the camera, though it's difficult.]

If I hadn't ever been alive, none of what happened to you would have happened. You would have three years of your life back.

I'm sorry for that.

[This is the truth. Again. He's really sorry for having been alive, so that he was in a position to hurt her.]

[bittersweeter]

Don't. Don't. [She closes her eyes for a second and takes a breath.]

If you weren't alive I wouldn't have had a best friend. Or anyone. You don't get to apoloize for that.

[patheticvillain]

[His eyes widen briefly in shock. She'll see how much weaker, how much more transparent he's gotten here.]

Then - can I be sorry about what I am? What I did?

[bittersweeter]

Sure.

[She doesn't really care about that. This is so much worse. She's trying very hard to come off like its fine and she is fine and everything is fine, but... its not and she is not.]

[patheticvillain]

Then I'm sorry.

I'm not lying.

[bittersweeter]

Do you want me to forgive you?

[patheticvillain]

No. I don't deserve it, and I wouldn't believe it if you said you did.

[bittersweeter]

Yeah. That's what I thought.

[patheticvillain]

And I shouldn't ask it of you.

I had to say sorry anyway.

[bittersweeter]

I don't know, I did to walk you off a building. We might be even.

[patheticvillain]

I didn't mind.

[bittersweeter]

[That, absurdly, is the straw that breaks the camels back. There is so much about this she can't handle and she doesn't want to anymore. But she's a moth and he's the flame.]

Can you take it off video?

[patheticvillain]

. . . Yeah.

[He switches to voice.]

I can make it text, too. If you want.

[bittersweeter]

No, it's fine. I just... I have something to say and I don't want to have to look at you when I say it.

Remember when we were little and we used to sit in the basement and talk about what you were going to do when you grew up? I always wanted you to say you'd work for my dad because then when I took over you'd be there. And we, we could've been the best team. Like, real partners and I wouldn't have made you do-- But that was all I wanted because you are the only person who has never stopped having my back.

So. That's why you can't wish you weren't alive. Because of that.

[patheticvillain]

[He remembers. He does. Back when his love for her was some half-formed, almost-okay thing that he'd never say out loud, back when they were friends and he was a kid with a crush, back when he didn't fit in anywhere but it wasn't so fucking complicated - yeah, he remembers.]

[And he knows what this means, now. He doesn't have her back anymore. He has to have his own, and he hates it.]

[It's almost a physical effort not to hang up. But he doesn't. He can be a coward in a lot of ways, but not in every way. Not anymore.]

[His breathing is light, quick, shallow. But he is not crying.]

I wish that could've happened. I wish I wasn't -

[Shut up, Cassel.]

I won't wish that anymore, then. Least I can do.

[At least, he can try.]

[bittersweeter]

I hope... you're happy. [That is the most of a... blessing he will get from her. She isn't a good person, she knows this intimately, she could write books about her own psychoses, but if Cassel is trying then she can put in equal effort, even if she sucks at it and even if it hurts like hell. For him.] Or something.