patheticvillain | sixteen ➢ gym & deck spam

[It's an unfamiliar burden that Cassel has realized he's carrying: Kon is here alone now, except for him. Steph's gone. And it's finally sunk in that Kon will not leave until Cassel does. This makes him feel more motivated and also terrified. He doesn't want anybody to be relying on him for anything. It's just not a good idea.]

[So he keeps himself busy. First and foremost working; he picks up an extra shift or two at the gym. When he's not there, he's on the deck, reading and tossing a ball around for Patches. Every once in a while he gets up, restlessly walks to another spot on the deck, with the dog following behind him in some confusion.]

[Occasionally, and reflexively, he will take note of things that look valuable and do his best to slip them into his pocket, unnoticed. He's out of practice, so this is partially an attempt to return to semi-competence; however, if he's not caught, he'll come back and return them within the hour. An exercise in boredom and distraction, more or less.]

for iris }

[Eventually, he spots Iris on deck and makes his way over to her, cocking his head curiously.]

Talk to me about timelines.

[Since it's something she talks to everybody about, it seems like, and she was talking to Zane about it the other day. He doesn't get the point, but there has to be one.]

for elena }

[It occurs to him slowly that it seems like Elena's pissed at him after their last conversation. He's not sure why, given that allegedly she's emotion-free these days, but whatever. Even if it's just an act, he wants to know why. So he tracks her down. Really curious as to what exactly she thought this partnership was supposed to be about.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My hope is, that by the time he's ready to leave here, he'll be... at a point where he can make the right choices about where he wants to go and what he wants to do. If he does go back to your mother, then I hope he does it for a better reason than to keep the family business running.

[Prefect shrugs, oblivious to the magnitude of Cassel's discomfort, and certainly oblivious to the source of it. He lifts a hand to his mouth, trying to think of how to answer Cassel best.]

I'm not explaining it right. It's like... if you hear a song, over and over and over, until it sticks in your head? That doesn't make it your song. Even if you spend years singing along to it, and years after you stop, you still have it stuck there, it's still not your song. So sometimes, Comrade, these thoughts pop into my head, and I don't like them, or agree with them, so I just have to think about something else.

Edited 2013-07-12 20:05 (UTC)

[He smiles faintly, disingenuously.]

I don't believe in my brother. Not like that.

[It occurs to him that this might make Prefect sad. He's sort of like collateral damage. It's unfortunate. But Cassel also doesn't see any reason to lie. Anyway, it's probably obvious. At least Prefect believes. That's something, right?]

[He listens carefully to this explanation. It makes sense, in the same way that his own song makes sense. He is both sadistic and masochistic, and he is only now learning that those qualities are truly and intrinsically his, rather than something that was overlaid upon him, like a false memory.]

I'm still singing the wrong song, I think. Just sometimes it gets too loud and then I want to hurt people.

[He glances at Patches, then at Prefect.]

The song goes away when I'm with him.

[Prefect shrugs a little, but there's no ease in his expression.]

And people used to think the world was flat, because from where we were stood it always looked flat.

[Prefect's brow creases, a little, and he meets Cassel's eyes with something like confusion on his expression.]

You want to hurt people?

[Not a criticism, just... not what he thought Cassels M.O was either. He pauses, watching patches as he turns over what Cassel's saying.]

Why do you think that is? What difference does he make to you?

[He snorts.]

Well, I guess that makes you a visionary, doesn't it?

[For Cassel, it's not all that meanspirited. But it's also not nice.]

[He rolls his eyes at the question.]

Yeah, I want to hurt people. [He knows why, too. It's because if he can hurt people, then other people will know he's not weak. It's an urge that's grown since he found out who he was, one he doesn't act on often, or even in a way that most people would recognize. But his near-constant low-level cruelty is just another way to pull the knife out of his own back and dig it into other people's.]

But animals don't ever hurt anyone, not like that, and that's why it's different.

[Prefect shrugs]

I'm just saying, we only see the things that people show us. He's not given you any reason to believe in him. I just happen to have spent the last two years trying to force him to be better.

[Prefect pauses, at Cassel's answer as to why he doesn't want to hurt Patches, his expression ponderous. It sort of makes sense, he supposes.]

So you only want to hurt people who you think either will or have hurt other people, which is everyone, more or less.

Exactly. Either a preliminary strike or revenge.

[And why do you think that is, Prefect? he wonders, studying him like a bug under a magnifying glass.]

It seems pointless. If everyone's going to hurt someone, and it's all inevitable, then just joining in seems like... I don't know, Comrade. It seems weak to me, I suppose. Like giving up.

[Said mildly, but again, this is Prefect's new, great truth. The barge can kill him a million, billion times. Barron can write and rewrite his memory until what's left is a tattered page. The factory can whisper in his ear for the rest of his life, but as long as he still does the right thing? As long as he doesn't give in and sink back down to the easy path? Then he's still strong. He's still winning, and it's still worth is.]

[His lip curls. Weak.]

Yeah, it might not seem like it, given the side of things you know. But I've actually worked pretty hard to get here. To live this long, and to - to learn, while I've been here, so call me useless and pathetic all you want but don't ever call me weak. I do what I need to do.

And I'm graduating.

I don't think you're weak. I think it's taken tremendous strength of will for you not to be like your brothers and your mother were. What I can't understand, is why after getting so far, you'd be content to just turn around and be the same person they were all trying to force you into.

You know from experience that people are all like that because you've had to fight to be different. So doesn't making a preemptive strike, or taking revenge on them, make that whole fight meaningless?

[His head tilts, slightly, and his eyes narrow. Genuine concern. Genuine trouble.]

And I believe you. I'd actually be surprised if you're not there before Barron is.

[This - actually hits him. Hard, right in the heart, and makes him stop with his mouth half-open. Is that what he's doing? Is he just doing what they wanted this whole time?]

[He's not being different at all, is what Prefect's saying. He's being Barron.]

I don't know. [It takes a lot to admit this, but it's the truth: he doesn't know. He's never thought about this, not from this angle, never considered that he might be just as bad, might be worse and weaker for falling back into it. He never considered. He's considering it now.]

[He wants to hide from it, but maybe he shouldn't. His lips tighten, and that sudden fear at the thought of graduating, of moving on, of being better hurts him to think about more than anything.]

[Prefect reaches over, and gives him a little pat on the arm, even though it's dumb, and insignificant, and he knows it probably won't actually help, he tells Cassel:]

You'll be okay. Just think about it, and you'll get there. Wherever it is.

[He flinches away. Not violently, just - he isn't expecting the touch, and he doesn't want it. There's a list of people who are allowed to touch him; it's three items long. Prefect isn't on it.]

[He steps away slightly. But he nods, too, as he breathes in slowly to calm down.]

Wherever it is. Yeah. You're probably right.

sixteen ➢ gym & deck spam

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