patheticvillain | sixteen ➢ gym & deck spam

Entry tags:

sixteen ➢ gym & deck spam

[It's an unfamiliar burden that Cassel has realized he's carrying: Kon is here alone now, except for him. Steph's gone. And it's finally sunk in that Kon will not leave until Cassel does. This makes him feel more motivated and also terrified. He doesn't want anybody to be relying on him for anything. It's just not a good idea.]

[So he keeps himself busy. First and foremost working; he picks up an extra shift or two at the gym. When he's not there, he's on the deck, reading and tossing a ball around for Patches. Every once in a while he gets up, restlessly walks to another spot on the deck, with the dog following behind him in some confusion.]

[Occasionally, and reflexively, he will take note of things that look valuable and do his best to slip them into his pocket, unnoticed. He's out of practice, so this is partially an attempt to return to semi-competence; however, if he's not caught, he'll come back and return them within the hour. An exercise in boredom and distraction, more or less.]

for iris }

[Eventually, he spots Iris on deck and makes his way over to her, cocking his head curiously.]

Talk to me about timelines.

[Since it's something she talks to everybody about, it seems like, and she was talking to Zane about it the other day. He doesn't get the point, but there has to be one.]

for elena }

[It occurs to him slowly that it seems like Elena's pissed at him after their last conversation. He's not sure why, given that allegedly she's emotion-free these days, but whatever. Even if it's just an act, he wants to know why. So he tracks her down. Really curious as to what exactly she thought this partnership was supposed to be about.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Now he smiles.]

Much worse.

[Which is also not accusatory, or even particularly angry. It's just an acknowledgment between the two of them that Barron is confusing and stressful.]

Did he tell you what I said?

[Prefect shifts, to lean against the wall beside cassel, then changes his mind, and slides down the wall to sit on the floor, with his back to it. He doesn't smile back, but his frown is distant and concerned, rather than disapproving, as if he's thinking about a problem somewhere difficult to pin down.]

Not what you said. He told me you didn't care about anything now, and that he didn't think you wanted to be part of his family anymore.

[Prefect waits, a beat, then quickly, before Cassel can answer to confirm or deny this, his swivels his gaze around to meet Cassel's eyes, and does force a small smile.]

Obviously I told him he was wrong.

[This is curious, but not altogether unexpected. It's just another type of lie. Not as much of one as he thought there'd be, but that's okay.]

[He doesn't move closer to Prefect, but he doesn't move away, either, not even when Prefect looks right at him. Instead he tilts his head, to one side and then the other - yes and no.]

I care about a lot of things. Just not what he thinks I should care about, probably. I told him I'm not going home.

Tell me about your family. Since you know all about mine.

Not liking what he did to you doesn't mean that you're not his brother, or that you don't care about him.

[Prefect says, recites, almost. Like it's a rote he's learned to heart, and said a thousand times before, then his eyes slide sideways, and the smile drops from his face.]

Sometimes not liking Barron seems like a prerequisite for being his brother. He just ignores things he's uncomfortable with, so he usually won't admit that he notices.

[He shrugs, back to not quite looking at Cassel again.]

I didn't know them. I was raised to fulfill my function as a component piece if the infinite mechanics of the Factory. I guess-- at the time, Comrade, I would have said:

[His voice shifts, almost imperceptibly, and suddenly there's a brassy, mechanical enthusiasm underpinning the words, a hint of breathless talkshow host, or used car salesman:]

Blood is thicker than water, but red paint is harder to wash off! Why rely on the dispassionate bonds of your genetic code to dictate what matters to you? Who is your brother but the man who loves what you love? Who is your sister but she who shares a five percent reduced cost on matching purchases discount with you? Why should the fornication of strangers forge the bonds that tie your hands so? Shake off the shackles, and buy with me today! With the man who will be brother, cousin, and Comrade one and all under the nurturing glow of the infinite empire of your Factory!

[He speeds up as he goes, but his enthusiasm is wilted already. Like someone fast forwarding through a tape. When he's done, he shrugs again, looking tired.]

That was my family.

[Cassel thinks he understands. This is Prefect's burden. This is why he was here. He wonders idly what horrible things Prefect has done in his life. Whether he misses them, now. His gaze shifts from neutral to barest interest.]

And now . . . your family is my brother. Right?

[It is, though. He remembers parts of what happened during that flood, what he accused Prefect of, and he knows that at least in some way it's true. The best lies are built on a foundation of truth. Whether it's trickery or not, Prefect is attached.]

[What an ugly thing to think, that Barron has built his own family here, just as Cassel has. It's overwhelming for a moment, and his throat closes in panic before he manages to push fear down.]

If you never had a family, that means you don't know what I was looking for, either. What I wanted from him.

Are you lonely? You look lonely. [And tired. And sad. And broken.]

Your brother is your family. [Prefect counters, as if it can only be true of one of them, and Barron needs Cassel so it has to be Cassel.] But yes, I care very much for him. I hope that--

[He stops himself, mid-sentence, because he almost isn't sure what he hopes for now. He was going to say he hopes that he and Barron stay friends after Barron graduates, but he's already decided that he's not staying on the Barge beyond that, so unless he goes with Barron, it would be impossible.

It hadn't occurred to him up until that point, that he'd simply assumed that he'd be going with Barron. It's only talking to Cassel that reminds him that Barron has a life. A family. A girlfriend back home. What was the use of graduating if your Warden didn't leave you alone afterward?]

...I hope that he's happy, in the end. I just really want him to be happy.

[He creases his brow, and glances at Cassel again. Does he know what Cassel wanted from Barron? No, not exactly. Can he take a guess...?]

My guess was that you wanted him to care about you, without wanting to use you. But no. I don't know.

[Then he cocks his head, almost smiling again at Cassel's question.] We're in the middle of a conversation. How could I be lonely?

[His eyes narrow.]

Barron is bad family. He's family, but he's bad family. I don't think he even knows it. I tried to explain it to him, and he didn't get it at all.

[Not true. He'd made a declaration, and then he'd taunted. He'd been cruel. But the reason he'd done that is because he is so sure that Barron wouldn't get it, even if he tried. And trying and failing hurts so much more than not trying at all.]

[What Cassel wanted was a brother. Not a captor. Not a liar.]

You're right.

He shouldn't go home either. [Cassel blinks, slowly, realizing the truth of what he's saying as he says it.] He'll get - unhappy again. If he ever learns how to be happy in the first place. He'll find somebody else like me to use and forget how to be happy. That's what we were trained to do. Be useful, not happy.

[She'll make him sad, is what he means. Their mother. Saying it floods him with shame, and he looks down and away, feeling ill.]

I'm lonely in the middle of conversations all the time. With most people. [I'm lonely when I talk to Barron, he doesn't say.]

I think he gets it, Cassel. He just... isn't used to things always connecting in a straight line, I guess. [Prefect offers, slowly.] I think he still feels like he's just going to forget all this, so what's the point in thinking about things that make him unhappy? Like, why should he admit that he's wrong, and apologize to you, and face how angry you are with him, when he's just going to forget it all and go right back to how things were again. Why should he let himself be unhappy right now, when nothing meaningful lasts?

[Prefect nods when Cassel starts talking about the dangers of Barron going home to his mother. He gets the fear. He really, really gets it, but still...]

It might be different this time. He's an adult now, he'll have his memories back, he'll understand what he's taking away from people, when he uses his power, and what he's losing himself. You... all three of you, they got you when you were all still young, before you ever had a real chance. This time... he might make the same mistakes again, I don't know, but this time at least he'll have options.

[Prefect shoots Cassel a sidelong glance. A measuring one, as if he doesn't quite understand the concept of what Cassel's saying.]

I can't even imagine that. Usually when I'm with someone, talking to them, I can't hear any of my other thoughts until the conversation finishes. So usually that's when I'm fine. [He finally offers.]

[All three of them. It's strange to think of himself and Barron and Philip as being on the same side. They never were, before. He almost rejects the thought instinctively, does push it away somewhat, but doesn't manage to all the way.]

[He half-smiles.]

I'm angrier now than I ever was before. There are people who'll look at that in the eye and not be afraid of it.

I'm afraid for him, if he goes back. You don't know what it's like. I mean, maybe you understand it on some level, but you don't know. And I'm not going back. I can't be a fucking commodity again, do you understand me?

[There's that flash of anger, almost as though he's talking to Barron. Like he said: he'd hurt Barron if he could, if it would get anything done, if love didn't get in the way. He's furious.]

[He manages to reel himself in after a moment, but still. It was there.]

You talk to people to drown yourself out?

[The flash of anger makes Prefect glance at Cassel, eyebrows raising slightly.]

Of course I understand that. Why do you think I stayed after I graduated?

[Except that Prefect probably could have gone back to being a commodity, if he'd only had the luxury of being a harmless one. ]

I'm afraid for him as well. I just... when he graduates, I can't exactly tell him not to go back, and your family means everything to him.

[He glances away again, back to staring into space. His nose wrinkles at Cassel's evaluation of his coping strategy.]

It's not really me that I'm drowning out, I don't think. Just leftover thoughts, Comrade.

[This subdues him. He purses his lips, thinking. The truth is, he doesn't know. He's never cared to know anything about Prefect. He doesn't answer the question, thinks it's probably rhetorical, and his eyes slide away with the barest hint of confusion showing. This conversation is deeply unsettling. He doesn't want to be similar to anything related to Barron.]

You can give him advice. If he really values your opinion, anyway. I mean - whatever, he's an adult, he can make his own stupid choices.

[The impulse to manipulate him not to is vicious and strong. He remembers Daneca, the photograph, like a flash, and then discards the memory.]

They're not your thoughts?

My hope is, that by the time he's ready to leave here, he'll be... at a point where he can make the right choices about where he wants to go and what he wants to do. If he does go back to your mother, then I hope he does it for a better reason than to keep the family business running.

[Prefect shrugs, oblivious to the magnitude of Cassel's discomfort, and certainly oblivious to the source of it. He lifts a hand to his mouth, trying to think of how to answer Cassel best.]

I'm not explaining it right. It's like... if you hear a song, over and over and over, until it sticks in your head? That doesn't make it your song. Even if you spend years singing along to it, and years after you stop, you still have it stuck there, it's still not your song. So sometimes, Comrade, these thoughts pop into my head, and I don't like them, or agree with them, so I just have to think about something else.

Edited 2013-07-12 20:05 (UTC)

[He smiles faintly, disingenuously.]

I don't believe in my brother. Not like that.

[It occurs to him that this might make Prefect sad. He's sort of like collateral damage. It's unfortunate. But Cassel also doesn't see any reason to lie. Anyway, it's probably obvious. At least Prefect believes. That's something, right?]

[He listens carefully to this explanation. It makes sense, in the same way that his own song makes sense. He is both sadistic and masochistic, and he is only now learning that those qualities are truly and intrinsically his, rather than something that was overlaid upon him, like a false memory.]

I'm still singing the wrong song, I think. Just sometimes it gets too loud and then I want to hurt people.

[He glances at Patches, then at Prefect.]

The song goes away when I'm with him.

[Prefect shrugs a little, but there's no ease in his expression.]

And people used to think the world was flat, because from where we were stood it always looked flat.

[Prefect's brow creases, a little, and he meets Cassel's eyes with something like confusion on his expression.]

You want to hurt people?

[Not a criticism, just... not what he thought Cassels M.O was either. He pauses, watching patches as he turns over what Cassel's saying.]

Why do you think that is? What difference does he make to you?

[He snorts.]

Well, I guess that makes you a visionary, doesn't it?

[For Cassel, it's not all that meanspirited. But it's also not nice.]

[He rolls his eyes at the question.]

Yeah, I want to hurt people. [He knows why, too. It's because if he can hurt people, then other people will know he's not weak. It's an urge that's grown since he found out who he was, one he doesn't act on often, or even in a way that most people would recognize. But his near-constant low-level cruelty is just another way to pull the knife out of his own back and dig it into other people's.]

But animals don't ever hurt anyone, not like that, and that's why it's different.

[Prefect shrugs]

I'm just saying, we only see the things that people show us. He's not given you any reason to believe in him. I just happen to have spent the last two years trying to force him to be better.

[Prefect pauses, at Cassel's answer as to why he doesn't want to hurt Patches, his expression ponderous. It sort of makes sense, he supposes.]

So you only want to hurt people who you think either will or have hurt other people, which is everyone, more or less.

Exactly. Either a preliminary strike or revenge.

[And why do you think that is, Prefect? he wonders, studying him like a bug under a magnifying glass.]

It seems pointless. If everyone's going to hurt someone, and it's all inevitable, then just joining in seems like... I don't know, Comrade. It seems weak to me, I suppose. Like giving up.

[Said mildly, but again, this is Prefect's new, great truth. The barge can kill him a million, billion times. Barron can write and rewrite his memory until what's left is a tattered page. The factory can whisper in his ear for the rest of his life, but as long as he still does the right thing? As long as he doesn't give in and sink back down to the easy path? Then he's still strong. He's still winning, and it's still worth is.]

[His lip curls. Weak.]

Yeah, it might not seem like it, given the side of things you know. But I've actually worked pretty hard to get here. To live this long, and to - to learn, while I've been here, so call me useless and pathetic all you want but don't ever call me weak. I do what I need to do.

And I'm graduating.

I don't think you're weak. I think it's taken tremendous strength of will for you not to be like your brothers and your mother were. What I can't understand, is why after getting so far, you'd be content to just turn around and be the same person they were all trying to force you into.

You know from experience that people are all like that because you've had to fight to be different. So doesn't making a preemptive strike, or taking revenge on them, make that whole fight meaningless?

[His head tilts, slightly, and his eyes narrow. Genuine concern. Genuine trouble.]

And I believe you. I'd actually be surprised if you're not there before Barron is.

[This - actually hits him. Hard, right in the heart, and makes him stop with his mouth half-open. Is that what he's doing? Is he just doing what they wanted this whole time?]

[He's not being different at all, is what Prefect's saying. He's being Barron.]

I don't know. [It takes a lot to admit this, but it's the truth: he doesn't know. He's never thought about this, not from this angle, never considered that he might be just as bad, might be worse and weaker for falling back into it. He never considered. He's considering it now.]

[He wants to hide from it, but maybe he shouldn't. His lips tighten, and that sudden fear at the thought of graduating, of moving on, of being better hurts him to think about more than anything.]

[Prefect reaches over, and gives him a little pat on the arm, even though it's dumb, and insignificant, and he knows it probably won't actually help, he tells Cassel:]

You'll be okay. Just think about it, and you'll get there. Wherever it is.

[He flinches away. Not violently, just - he isn't expecting the touch, and he doesn't want it. There's a list of people who are allowed to touch him; it's three items long. Prefect isn't on it.]

[He steps away slightly. But he nods, too, as he breathes in slowly to calm down.]

Wherever it is. Yeah. You're probably right.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

sixteen ➢ gym & deck spam

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm

Spammm