patheticvillain | twenty-five ➢ private + spam

twenty-five ➢ private + spam

private } chris

Hey.

private } vesper

sorry i scared you

spam } open. eeeeesh.

[Cassel spends the weekend and the first couple of days after Elena's outed pretty much just hiding in his room. He'll open the door to some people right away, some after a little persuasion, and completely ignore others.]

[After that, he starts picking up his shifts in the gym again, although he tends not to do much looking people in the eye. He can also be found scuttling away from social interaction in the dining hall.]

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[He allows this in silence, which starts out awkward and ends up with him trying to suppress a smile.]

Want to walk? Or, whatever.

We haven't been to the garden in - a while.

[Because he's been hiding too, but, hey.]

Okay. Garden it is.

[And he takes off towards the stairs without looking back at Marsh, although walking slowly so as not to disturb Aster preening the fuck out of his hair. Still. Possibly forever.]

[He follows, makes sure to rustle a little so Cassel can hear where he is. It suits him, shadowing. When they get to the garden, Aster flutters off briefly, hen returns to Cassel with a bit of fallen honeysuckle in her beak, which she deposits proudly.]

It gets easier.

[Quiet and plain. It doesn't really demand a response. But it's a true thing, that he can bear the burdens of his past easier now than he could two years ago, and a truth he needed to say.]

[He plucks the honeysuckle off his shoulder and inspects it carefully, then tucks it behind his ear and pets Aster on the top of her head with two fingers.]

Good girl.

[And he doesn't respond to Marsh right away, but when he does, he turns and looks him in the eye, all dark and sharp and serious.]

It hurt you. To help me.

[That hurts to hear, to have it confirmed that Cassel feels guilt over him, too. It was easier to believe he were simply another reminder of bad memories. It's familiar. If he had eyes they might have closed, but without them, there's no sign of a flinch on his face. Stony and firm, he admits, insists, brooks no argument.]

It hurt to see that done to you.

Helping you - no. That is the only thing that made it bearable.

Edited 2013-10-06 16:25 (UTC)

[He chews the inside of his cheek and shrugs one shoulder - the one Aster's not on. His gaze shifts to nothing very much.]

I'm angrier that she upset you, by doing that, than . . .

[Never mind.]

I should never have done that again, is that. That of all things.

I believe you, though.

You didn't do it. Not really.

[But he understands how it feels like he did.]

I'll live. It would have been - a small thing, horrible but small, if she had not done it to a friend.

[You are worth being angry for.]

[The whole point of Marsh was supposed to be a - a means of gathering information. Learning about Ruin. Something is - they're friends, now, and Cassel finds himself tucking his chin against his chest, overwhelmed.]

Thank you. For stopping me. I would've -

[Gone after Chris, or Zane, and then he wouldn't have been able to live with himself. There's a light sheen of tears in the corners of his eyes, but they don't fall. He's smiling, because sometimes you just have to.]

You're a good friend.

[He thinks of Sazed, again. I don't understand why I have to kill you.]

I know. I know. It's alright now.

[It's gruff, as always, but less awkward-sounding than one might expect.]

And I am...learning to be. Some of that is your doing.

[It isn't all right, not quite, but it's closer. Cassel thinks of Lila again. She must have felt a lot of pain when he changed her - something he hadn't considered until he saw how James looked when he changed. But he thinks better of saying it.]

So I guess I've done something kind of useful in my time here.

[It's as alright as it can be, with everyone restored. They can pretend it's enough until it feels more true. His voice is mild, even warm.]

Perhaps a few things. But you aren't even close to being done.

I don't wanna be done.

[Even though he's tired and a little broken right now. He doesn't want to be done. This is his home now.]

I've never had - people I knew how to let in before. So I have to show somebody else how to do that before I can even think about being done.

It has been a very long time since anyone - gave me things I needed.

[He chooses the words carefully, an echo of Cassel's non-optional offer from the port with the lightning fields, though it goes back earlier than that. Aster has been very good for him. Marsh is alright at letting a few people in, but letting anyone take care of him is another matter, because that's his job. Sazed tried, and Marsh didn't really cooperate. Cassel, however, didn't give him a choice in the matter at any point. He smiles, just a little, at the thought.]

I understand something of - debts that can only be paid forward. Just. Remember that you are a great deal more than useful.

[The beauty of it is that it's a new kind of useful - a kind that doesn't rely on being used. Not just that, but Cassel's discovered it almost completely by himself, the gradual melding of Zane's occasionally hamhanded affection, Chris's stubborn insistence on his own potential, and Kon's encouragement of expression.]

[None of which is the point. The point is, Cassel feels, just for this moment, like a good person. And Marsh is smiling.]

Thank you. [He's barely audible.] If I remember than, can you maybe remember that you deserve it? Having the things you need?

[He'd - known, on some level, that he was leaving himself open to that, but he had simply been doing his best not to think about it, and vaguely hoping that Cassel wouldn't notice. He's not comfortable thinking about what he deserves at all, really, but he also can't say no.]

Brat.

[It's warm, with the sort of entirely fond sigh he usually reserves for Kelsier and then only when Kel isn't around to hear it.]

I'll try to - let myself. More.

[It's as much as he can offer.]

[He likes being a brat. He's very much okay with it. You only call someone a brat if you like them, or else what would be the point? His smile is wide now, and he shoves his hands in his pockets.]

I know I am. But people seem to like me that way.

It's good enough for now.

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twenty-five ➢ private + spam

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