twenty-one ➢ video

[patheticvillain]

[Feed begins with a documentary-style camera effect with a touch of Blair Witch shake, tracking Chris as he walks (very, very quietly) down the hallway. He's clearly looking for something, and looks over his shoulder at the camera, speaking in a stage whisper and with an extremely shitty accent.]

G'day, mates. We're out here on the barge hunting for wild limeys.

[Turning to face front again, Chris waves his hand excitedly when he spots the target: the back of James Bond's head walking down the hall. Turning to face the camera, he speaks in a stage whisper, and also an extremely shitty accent.]

Crikey! We've spotted one now. Look at the size of him!

[A dramatic demonstrative gesture. James still seems totally oblivious.]

Now here's what we do to bring him 'round to heel. The Englishman is primarily known for its weakness to physical affection. So what me and my mate Sharpe here are going to do is come around from both sides of him and wrap him up in a disarming embrace.

[Abruptly he drops the accent and the posturing and waves at Cassel behind the camera.]

Okay let's fucking go. Leave the camera here.

[And Cassel rests it on the ground, angled up so it catches the action, namely both of them sneaking up behind James in total silence, until:]

Fucking attack hugs, shithead!

[--from Chris, at which point they both leap forward to suddenly hug James. Cassel scatters quickly, but Chris isn't so lucky, and the feed goes black with James grabbing him by the collar.]

[An indeterminable amount of time later, the camera clicks back on. The lighting is much different, in that bright but dim way that public rest rooms with less than stellar light fixtures have, and though the focus is on Bond, you can definitely hear some muffled whining from Chris in the background.

James is dressed in the same suit he was in earlier, and there is a definite smirk on his face on first sight. He's also rocking a little strangely, like he's sitting on something that's flailing around. Or, more likely, someone. The camera pans down, and yes, James Bond is sitting on Chris on the floor of the inmate bathrooms.

He puts on his best American accent.]

Here we have a tolerable specimen of the American teenager. He's long overdue for a ritual cleansing. Let's observe.

[And then he is holding up a simple white bar of soap, and to the soundtrack of terrible, terrible curses, he leans over, pries Chris' jaw open, and shoves the soap into his mouth. Cue the laugh track, complete with wobbly camera again because this is the most hilarious day of Cassel's life to date, then the feed cuts to black.]

Comments

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[myresponsibility]

... I'm not sure I even want to know, but seriously, are you guys trying to get your asses kicked?

[patheticvillain]

Hey, hey. My ass is fine.

[Spam/Video]

[mistconduct]

[from the floor, Chris weakly points at his shitty boyfriend, soap drizzling out of his mouth]

You phh'king traitor.

[Spam/Video]

[lastrat]

Stop belly aching.

[Spam/Video]

[patheticvillain]

[He holds up his hands like what who me. Camera wobble.]

Hey, hey. Let's not throw around cruel words we'll regret later.

[outofclothes]

...Well, this spectacle definitely just hurt my IQ.

[patheticvillain]

Secondary objective achieved.

[lastrat]

Try dealing with them on a daily basis.

[routemistress]

[Iris is laughing too hard to say words, but she applauds with enthusiasm.]

[patheticvillain]

[A lazy salute.]

Glad to do you proud.

[lastrat]

[Just have a little nod Iris, glad you're amused.]

[mistconduct]

[Weak, defeated moan.

He's dying, Iris. Why are you applauding his death.]

[ Video ]

[surfaceshine]

[And now Dean is just laughing. That's it. That's the message. Dean is laughing his ass off.]

[patheticvillain]

You okay there, buddy? Need a glass of water?

[ Video ]

[mistconduct]

[SOAPY CURSING ALL UP IN HERE]

[ Video ]

[lastrat]

[There is just the tiniest salute on Bond's end.]

[bitteraftertaste]

[Vesper just. Can't even with you assholes, I mean come on guys.]

Is everyone in one piece?

[patheticvillain]

Yep! Chris is just slightly cleaner than he was this morning, we're all good.

[Guess who is enjoying this way too much.]

[with_my_teacup]

That some kinda cuisine I don't know about? Because I'll eat a lot, but-

[Oh Chris. Oh, baby-badass. This actually isn't your worst choice and it's funny. He could use a smile.]

[patheticvillain]

I feel like he's giving it no stars, so maybe not.

[mistconduct]

[Now standing at a sink dropping water into his hand and splashing it in his face, Chris glowers]

Shut up. Everyone shut up.

Video

[fire_punk]

[Kevin can't speak for a moment. He's too busy laughing his ass off.]

What the fuck was that about?

[patheticvillain]

Hilarity. Perfection. I'm thinking of starting up a sitcom or something.

[megamind]

I owe Bond a beer and Cassel the tech toy of his choosing.

[patheticvillain]

That better be a genuine offer.

[insolubleriddle]

[Eddie's wearing a little after-laughter smirk.]

Dear diary, today the barge was tolerable.

[patheticvillain]

All thanks to Cassel Sharpe, who is truly a king among men.

video;

[notdreaming]

What in the name of Rao are you doing?

[ She's not sure if she should be amused or horrified. ]

video;

[patheticvillain]

It's called fun. Heard of it?