twenty-one ➢ video

[patheticvillain]

[Feed begins with a documentary-style camera effect with a touch of Blair Witch shake, tracking Chris as he walks (very, very quietly) down the hallway. He's clearly looking for something, and looks over his shoulder at the camera, speaking in a stage whisper and with an extremely shitty accent.]

G'day, mates. We're out here on the barge hunting for wild limeys.

[Turning to face front again, Chris waves his hand excitedly when he spots the target: the back of James Bond's head walking down the hall. Turning to face the camera, he speaks in a stage whisper, and also an extremely shitty accent.]

Crikey! We've spotted one now. Look at the size of him!

[A dramatic demonstrative gesture. James still seems totally oblivious.]

Now here's what we do to bring him 'round to heel. The Englishman is primarily known for its weakness to physical affection. So what me and my mate Sharpe here are going to do is come around from both sides of him and wrap him up in a disarming embrace.

[Abruptly he drops the accent and the posturing and waves at Cassel behind the camera.]

Okay let's fucking go. Leave the camera here.

[And Cassel rests it on the ground, angled up so it catches the action, namely both of them sneaking up behind James in total silence, until:]

Fucking attack hugs, shithead!

[--from Chris, at which point they both leap forward to suddenly hug James. Cassel scatters quickly, but Chris isn't so lucky, and the feed goes black with James grabbing him by the collar.]

[An indeterminable amount of time later, the camera clicks back on. The lighting is much different, in that bright but dim way that public rest rooms with less than stellar light fixtures have, and though the focus is on Bond, you can definitely hear some muffled whining from Chris in the background.

James is dressed in the same suit he was in earlier, and there is a definite smirk on his face on first sight. He's also rocking a little strangely, like he's sitting on something that's flailing around. Or, more likely, someone. The camera pans down, and yes, James Bond is sitting on Chris on the floor of the inmate bathrooms.

He puts on his best American accent.]

Here we have a tolerable specimen of the American teenager. He's long overdue for a ritual cleansing. Let's observe.

[And then he is holding up a simple white bar of soap, and to the soundtrack of terrible, terrible curses, he leans over, pries Chris' jaw open, and shoves the soap into his mouth. Cue the laugh track, complete with wobbly camera again because this is the most hilarious day of Cassel's life to date, then the feed cuts to black.]

Comments

[lastrat]

[Wow no Chris, remember how you spit the soap out, IT'S COMING BACK IN.]

[mistconduct]

[Choked howl, as Chris tries to fend off the man on top of him, spitting curses all the way]

[lastrat]

[Nope you called his lady love a bitch, he's shoving it in and pressing his hand over Chris's mouth LEARN YOUR LESSON]

[mistconduct]

[Seizing James' wrist with both his hands, Chris fights to pry the man's hand off his mouth, struggling to ignore the awful, horrific taste of the soap scum sliding down his throat]

[lastrat]

[He'll fight it out, but only for a few moments before letting go. He's not actually trying to make him choke.]

Stop cursing.

[mistconduct]

[Tearing up from the awful taste, Chris' jaw locks as he glowers up at the man. Finally, teeth grinding, his eyes flick elsewhere and he gives a quick, furious nod.]

[lastrat]

[And just like that, James well get up and even pull Chris up into a sitting position so he can cough it out.]

[mistconduct]

[With a retching cough, Chris stumbles to his feet and grasps hold of the nearest sink, pulling himself up the rest of the way to gag up the bubbles]

[lastrat]

[There you go, get it out. He even finds a glass someone has left behind, rinses it out, and fills it with water. Just sets it down on the counter for once Chris is done.]

[mistconduct]

[With a cough and a snarl, Chris grabs the water glass and downs it in one go. This too causes him to sputter and hack, as he can't get his throat clear fast enough]

[lastrat]

[Relax buddy, you're just hurting yourself now. But Bond is generally more hands off; he's just keeping an eye on to make sure Chris doesn't actually choke himself.]

[mistconduct]

[Red-faced and panting for air, Chris manages to get most of the soap out but the taste is still there. He bends over the sink, shoulders high and pressed together]

I officially hate you.

[lastrat]

Mm-hm. [He is so concerned by this.]

I'll take it as a favor if you don't curse at Vesper again. [Though 'favor' here may mean more along the lines of 'offer he can't refuse.']

[mistconduct]

Fine. Whatever. Just stay the fu..

Stay away from me.

[lastrat]

[It's simple enough, and Chris catches himself. Bond's not expecting a full stop, in any case - but he can tell when the fun is over.

He doesn't say anything else, just turns and gives Cassel a nod on his way out.]